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A few weeks ago, a judge finally threw out a three-year-old lawsuit filed by one Charlotte Feeney of Stratford, Conn.
According to The Associated Press, the lawsuit claimed that L'Oreal Inc. ruined Ms. Feeney's social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette.
As a result, she said, she suffered headaches and anxious moments. Not only that, she missed the attention that blondes received.
This, in turn, left her so traumatized she had to gulp down antidepressants and hide her crowning glory beneath a succession of hats.
Horrors!
Now, a sensible person would suggest, "Hey, lady, just grab a bottle of peroxide and go back to being a blonde."
Sigh. If only it were that simple. For from what I can glean from the reports, Ms. Feeney "can never return to her natural blond hue."
Hmmm. If it was so natural, why was she messin' with it in the first place?
Also, experience leads me to believe that hair does grow. Shouldn't the new stuff coming in, say, a few months from now, resemble her "natural blond hue?"
But what really upsets me about all this is not the fact that this woman tied up the legal system for three years with this nonsense. No, it's that she managed to defame and disparage all the brunettes of the world, present company included.
Maybe we should get up a class-action suit against her. Who says our social lives are dull, or that our dark tresses keep us out of the spotlight?
Cleopatra, I do believe, was a brunette. So were Ava Gardner and Jane Russell.
Today's No. 1 female movie star -- judging by the posse of paparazzi that seems to follow her every move -- is Angelina Jolie, brunette to the core.
Why, if she weren't raising so many kids, she'd probably be doing commercials for L'Oreal. And she wouldn't be a blonde.
The sad thing is, if you live long enough, ladies, you'll no longer be the blonde, or brunette or redhead of your youth.
For into each life some gray must sprout. And sprout. And sprout. And no lawsuit in the world will make it go away.
Same for misbehaving hair. You know: Hair that frizzes up or goes limp whenever the humidity climbs a degree or two.
Or hair that will only curl just this side of electrocution.
That would be mine.
If only I could sue my ancestors for passing down that gene.
The sleepless nights I tossed and turned while rollers and bobby pins pierced my scalp.
The curling irons that scorched my neck and earlobes, as well as my hair.
The permanent-wave solutions that assaulted my nostrils and on at least one trip to the beauty college burned the nape of my neck.
We shoulda sued. Instead, we reached for the Toni home-permanent wave. The house reeked of ammonia for days.
Still, it was preferable to the fate of Katharina Laible, whose husband, Charles Nessler, invented a method in the early 1900s of curling hair using a machine that heated the hair via connecting rods that one's tresses were wrapped around.
The process, which took six hours, was first conducted on Laible. First results were not promising. In fact, the first two attempts completely burned Laible's hair off and burned her scalp.
Madam, you should have sued.
Bonnie Henry's column appears Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays. Reach her at 434-4074 or at bhenry@azstarnet.com, or write to 3295 W. Ina Road, Suite 125, Tucson AZ 85741.
To see more of The Arizona Daily Star, or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to http://www.azstarnet.com. Copyright (c) 2008, The Arizona Daily Star, Tucson Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services. For reprints, email tmsreprints@permissionsgroup.com, call 800-374-7985 or 847-635-6550, send a fax to 847-635-6968, or write to The Permissions Group Inc., 1247 Milwaukee Ave., Suite 303, Glenview, IL 60025, USA.
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