The Akron Beacon Journal, Ohio, Bob Dyer column: Readers saddle up for contest

Aug 13, 2009 (The Akron Beacon Journal - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) -- PFCB | Quote | Chart | News | PowerRating -- I should have known better than to run a contest asking readers to christen a Chinese horse with a heart beneath its tail.

If you missed Tuesday's column, 20 lashes with a riding crop. If you didn't, you know all about the 11-foot-tall fiberglass horse that has taken residence atop a pedestal in front of the new P.F. Chang's China Bistro at Summit Mall.

The restaurant chain reportedly spends $40,000 for each of its trademark horses. For that kind of money, you'd think someone would have given him a name. But no.

Although Chang's has 192 restaurants, Summit Mall is only the second Northeast Ohio location. And the odd new addition to Fairlawn's landscape has raised plenty of eyebrows -- particularly when passers-by see what's directly beneath his raised tail: a big, flowery heart, right where you'd normally see something considerably less pleasant.

Our contest drew plenty of good entries -- and more than a few not-so-good ones.

Near the top of the list was Denny Riedinger of Mogadore, who gave it a great run with "Kickin' Chow Mane."

Coventry Township residents Maggie and Frank Milone scored with "Buttiluview."

"Tell 'Tail' Heart," suggested Rita Briers of Cuyahoga Falls.

Another near-miss came from Alicia Kopas of Sagamore Hills: "Ka Ching Ka Chang," in honor of "the progeny of many famous money-making Chang horses who've preceded him."

Some readers mourned what might have been. Wrote Eva Manbeck of Akron: "Too bad the horse is gelded, or he could have been named 'Hung.' "

Also pushing the envelope was Akronite Neal Ebersole: "Heart Fart Chang."

Then there's Copley resident Sean Faulkner, linking the odd heart positioning with a song: "Tainted Love."

It appears that Kathleen Sommer of Cuyahoga Falls wanted to address the potential aftereffects of a particularly spicy meal: "Heart Throb."

On a similar tack,

apparently, was Dick Maloyan, who offered "M'heartsonfire."

In the "politically incorrect" category, Richard Shaw of Doylestown wanted our steed to be christened "Sum Thing Wong" -- and urged me not to contract his name to "Rickshaw."

Pat Fogarty: "How 'bout 'Heart Ass'? Bet you already got that. [Yep.] Looks like I'll be eatin' at House of Hunan."

"The winning name just has to be 'Hoss,' " insisted Nancy Terjesen. "But how far is that $25 [gift certificate] going to go when my husband and I spend it at Chang's?" Points deducted for implying that we're cheap. Why, you can almost get an entire meal there for 25 bucks -- assuming you dine alone.

"Moon Shine, with a heart as the dot over the letter 'i' ," said Bernice Uehlinger.

Hint for future contests: If you need 157 words to explain your entry, you probably don't have a winner. Such was the case with a woman from Stow who was arguing that "Incitatus" would be highly fitting because it was the name of a horse treated to extraordinary creature comforts by the Roman emperor/pervert Caligula. She even quoted from a biography.

On the other end of the educational spectrum, Dave Wood of Ellet, playing off my reference to Mr. Ed, wrote, "How about 'Special Ed?' "

The winner, though, is the person who wrote this:

"How about calling the P.F. Chang horse 'Hoof Hearted'? The name seems to be a good choice for an ungulate with such an ornately decorated backside -- especially when said aloud. See what I mean?"

Yes, I do. Especially when I say it aloud.

Fittingly, the Horse With No Name was named by a Reader With No Name. I'm fairly sure he or she has one, but he/she did not offer it in the original e-mail and had not responded to a request for the information by deadline Wednesday. When we find out, we'll pass it along.

Sorry. In this context, perhaps "pass it along" was a poor choice of words.

Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com.

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