Building relationships: Christian singles meet like-minded souls in groups where love can blossom

Sep 28, 2008 (The Olympian - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) -- DD | Quote | Chart | News | PowerRating -- It took Lynn Lines of Tenino about a year to build the courage to attend Church of Living Water's group for Christian singles. She was newly divorced after 19 years of marriage, and nowhere near ready to date.

"People invited me, and I wouldn't come. I said, 'I'm not looking for anybody.' I had kids and life and school," Lines, 52, said.

When she finally went, she realized it wasn't what she'd expected.

"I thought it would be people looking for people to date. It wasn't. It was people getting together. It was a safe place. It was really neat, totally different than I thought," said Lines, who has been a member for about 11 years.

"Safe" is the way she and others describe the group, Adults Centered Together Serving.

About 30 members -- who range in age from 40 to 70 and come from many congregations -- meet the first and third Fridays of the month. The first Friday, they meet for fellowship -- a book or video study or to hear a speaker. The third Friday, they play games or watch a movie.

Several marriages have come out of the group, but Pastors Joel and Denise Mulholland, who coordinate the group, say it isn't a match-making service. It's friends who have similar Christian values coming together to have a good time on a Friday night.

"We really are trying to change the stigma that single people have when they go to a singles group. Here, it's not that way," Denise Mulholland said. "The focus here is family, building solid relationships and friendships that last."

ACTS is one of several ways Christian singles can meet in Olympia. A few other churches offer similar groups.

Christian singles also can join Olympia Christian Singles, which coordinates outings and activities. The group isn't a dating service either, but a way to bring like-minded people together from different churches, said Bob Wohlers, one of the coordinators.

"I've gotten some good friendships -- male and female. It's been fun," he said.

Dating and faith

Some ACTS members come after a divorce or the death of a spouse, some have never married, some are ready to re-enter the dating world, some are content being single and are looking more for lasting friendships.

Many members aren't searching for a life partner but would be open to dating if the right person came along.

"I'm so comfortable being single; it's a little scary," said Carol Montano, 52. "God would have to put that person in front of me. ... I believe God's going to bless me, but I want to wait for God's perfect timing. He knows when I'm going to be ready."

Montano -- who was married 16 years -- keeps a list of the qualities and values she would share with her ideal mate: integrity, strong faith, someone who's giving and someone who believes in saving themselves for marriage.

"I want someone who has a sense of humor, someone who makes me laugh, someone who will make me a better person," she said.

Others agreed that a strong Christian faith is the most important quality in a potential partner.

"It's always been my hope that I would find (my wife) in church," said Pat Shea, 52, of Olympia. "There was a time in 1979 when that wasn't where my life was at -- I would have looked for it in a bar. But that's a pseudo person. That's their character that I see in the tavern."

He said he looks for someone with a strong character, not a facade: "If I would watch them without them knowing I'm looking, that's character. Character is the person when nobody's looking," Shea said.

Tips for success

Rob Eager, author of "Dating with Pure Passion," encourages singles not to isolate themselves.

"If you want to date, then you have to get out and meet people. ... To stimulate your social life, look for ways to get involved with other singles and make yourself available," he writes.

Craig Rasmussen, pastor of the adult singles ministry at Life Center in Tacoma, said serving others is the best way to meet someone.

"When people are involved in some type of service -- either involved in ministry or some kind of life-giving effort to the community -- they find that their spirit and their soul is more attractive to people," he said.

Singles groups allow people to meet Christians outside of their own churches and expand their circle, said Craig Landes, 47, of DuPont. He was involved with Olympia Christian Singles before he married in November.

Landes said it also is important for singles to stay involved in their own church. "My advice to others is to stay connected with their local church. It's important to be grounded and have people to be accountable with," he said.

He met his wife through eHarmony.com, an online dating site that allows singles to indicate how serious they are about their faith. He and his wife discussed their faith through e-mails before they even met.

He also suggests Christian singles enjoy dating.

"But don't become consumed by finding someone. ... It's good to get to know different people. You can develop friendships and not be too focused on jumping into a heavy relationship immediately. You can learn about them and learn about yourself as well," he said.

Being single can be frustrating. It's important to keep a positive attitude, Shea said. Rather than dwell on it, he prays to be content where he's at and ready if the right person comes along.

"I decided a number of years ago that it's not that I didn't want to get married ... but if the opportunity didn't happen, it's not going to stop me from doing all the things I've done," he said.

Diane Huber covers education and features for The Olympian. She can be reached at 360-357-0204 or dhuber@theolympian.com.

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